7.12.2005

"you had me at 'fetus'"

according to various politically-attuned friends of mine, late last week Rehnquist's resignation was imminent. Inspired by the visceral horror of what the current political landscape could do with two vacancies on the supreme court, and thinking - as I tend to do - about what this has to do with sex, I posted a craigslist ad, which can be found here.
7/19: Okay, the craigslist posting has expired, but I've got a low-res screen-cap here.
9/11: I made Best-of! The forever version of the posting is here.

Within 30 minutes I had about eighty responses, and even today - five whole days later - I received about twenty messages from people damning me to hell, telling me I made them laugh, or genuinely offering to fill 'er up (if you will). As of this posting, I have received over 300 responses to the ad, and I have plans to follow through on zero (0) of them. Some highlights (from here on in all misspellings are [sic]):


  • Who knows maybe we will concieve the next George Bush. We could start tonite, I know you said something about Aug. 2nd, but I want to stick in someone, it might as well be you

  • I must admit, you had me at fetus... That's some funny shit... I would offer my services, but I've already been responsible for my share of abortions, and I feel like I should share the wealth, let someone else have a crack at it

  • since you're obviously extremely dedicated and willing to put your ideals before your body, mightn't you be interested in donating an egg to be used to make and destroy an embryo for stem-cell research?

  • YOU ARE A SICK DEMENTED MORON. JUST KILL YOURSELF AND MAKE THE WORD A BETTER PLACE

  • Keep in mind I'm just doing this out of charity for you, I have nothing to gain from it except some exciting, raunchy sex. But really, the ultimate joy will be yours when you are able to be comped for the suck-job your womb will endure.

  • Will there be some kind of clear documentation that I, as the "father," am not liable for the costs of raising a child? I would hate to get involved in something like this only to have you change your mind and say, "Maybe I will have a baby. Pay up." So long as there's something on paper, I'm available.

  • OK. I'm in. But you have to promise it will be a partial-birth abortion in your 8th month of pregnancy

  • i actually just fell in love with you, sick, sad and true

  • Simply put, hate has overwhelmed love for you. You have been a SILENT witness to genocides because your HATE/AGAINST IDEOLOGY has blinded you.

  • I make really good mix tapes as well as yummy vegan cupcakes, and I'm into tattoos, reading, chess, kittens, bike riding, and politics.

  • Honestly someone needs to slap you. Hopefully your joking. Do you even understand what you said in your posting. Your 23, I can't believe that you sound like your 2. I don't even know you, but I feel like some one has to talk some common sense into you. Yeah yo, don't do what you want to do. And your even wasting the surgeons time when he probably could be exactly helping someone in need. And I can see you hid behind this "Liberal", but really (spoken softly) what's going on in your life that you want to do this, do you exactly realize what your embarking on. What in you past has happened to make you wanna do this, You should really take a look at that though, really, a serious long look.

  • Are you really serious about this....I am roman catholic, married, and a devote republican. I am an economist and professor, 41 and attractive. Let's talk about this further!


and the clear winner:

  • I was raised Catholic and I'm TERRIFIED of getting a girl pregnant, to the point where my penis wilts in the presence of a vagina because there could be some possibility that i'd knock her up. luckily i dated a strict catholic "technical virgin" (ass only) for most several years so pregnancy scares were only a problem when she'd accidentally sit too close to a puddle of cold semen on the bedsheets, or maybe a little would soak through after some enthusiastic dry humping. actually fucking a girl who wants to get pregant and then abort the kid might be just the thing i need to get over my fear of accidentally impregnating a girl - actually get her pregnant and get the whole drama over with.


Right. Because that would get the drama over with. Still, the part that truly amazed me was the number of people who did not get that the post was a joke. I mean really, the quote "I want to have your abortion" was considered so offensive that in the movie Fight Club they changed it to "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school." Are there really women out there who want to get preggo just so they can have it aborted for political reasons? That's so Life Of David Gale. Which is to say, not so hot.

2 comments:

Lillian Milagros said...

Hi Helen!

My favorite one is:

I make really good mix tapes as well as yummy vegan cupcakes, and I'm into tattoos, reading, chess, kittens, bike riding, and politics.

Because really, what girl wouldn't want vegan cupcakes right after a date with a vacuum?

Love, Lillian

Lauren said...

Also, that guy said he's "into" kittens. Ew.