8.14.2005

a really gross and pointless story, which isn't really enhanced by the illustrations

I got a ceramic-bladed vegetable slicer yesterday from Williams Sonoma.

The oblongly rectangular thing towards the bottom of the yellow paddle is the plastic finger guard that comes with it, which allows one to slice things without getting one's fingers in the way. This will be important later in the story. In the meantime, I used the slicer to make beautiful thin rounds of cucumber, similar to the ones shown in the photo above. The type of cucumber I sliced is known as "English Hothouse," which is a 15-inch-long, 1-inch-wide behemothic double dong of a cuke.

But the cucumber being as long as it was, I figured i could hold onto it a safe 15 inches from the razor-sharp ceramic blade and not run the risk of hurting myself. Little did I know that the slicer can burn a wicked pace, and in no time at all I had a nice pile of paper-thin wisps of cucumber beneath the yellow paddle, and a scant 2 inches of nub separating my fingers from the (did I mention razor-sharp?) ceramic blade.
Note the little nub of cucumber. Note the lovely thinness of the slices. Note that above I mentioned that the finger guard would be an important player later on. Here's where: of course I didn't use the finger guard. Of course I cut myself, deeply and grossly, in such a way that you could sort of see the inner workings of my finger.
Pleasant, isn't it? To add insult to injury (literally, hurrah), blood was splattered, psycho-style, all over my chiffon-like cucumber slices. To add humor to both insult and injury, after staunching the flow, the only band-aids to be found were of the novelty variety. Namely, band-aids that were die-cut and photoprinted to look like bacon.

At this point you might note that bacon, as an animal product, is actually composed of things that look a great deal like the inner workings of a finger. And when wrapped in the bacon band-aid, my finger actually looks way worse than the actual cut.
Fin.

To replicate my experiment, you can get the veggie slicer at Williams-Sonoma, the bacon band-aids at Archie McPhee, and the hothouse cucumbers from a grocery store. My fingers are not for sale, and this kind of hurt so I wouldn't really like to participate anyway.

No comments: