8.25.2005

the story of my life: a play in one act

me
editorial department. helen speaking.

crazy lady
hello thank you for answering. what did you say your name is?

me
helen

crazy lady
well i read about your company in my local newspaper, The Connecticut . . . I mean The Hartford . . . I mean it was in the paper, you were in the article about prenatal nutrition which was advocating a certain vitamin regimen for mothers and children. So the thing is is that when i was pregnant my doctor didn't put me on a nutritional plan, he was smart enough to just recommend iron tablets. But still i followed a plan as it was outlined in a nutritional catalog. And I took those supplements like they suggested, and when I was pregnant and then when I was done with being pregnant it all worked out for me.

me
Okay...

crazy lady
it was Richardon's nutritional catalog, that was published from the 1960s until someone bribed them and they stopped publishing it in 1987 because it was too smart, too good you know. Which was fine by me because i stopped taking the supplements in 1984, but i called the catalog company but they don't have any more left in stock, so i called the Federal Trade Commission and they weren't very helpful either.

me
I don't think we publish-

crazy lady
You know I've had a very hard time tracking down my medical records. They were scattered - out in the Hollywood Hills, at the Center for Hollywood Development - and my doctor here has some, but also there is this guy, he's a security guard at Henri Bendel's, and he has some of my medical records too, I don't know how.

me
I don't think -

crazy lady
He must be a retired doctor or something, you know how they let the doctors keep their records if they're photocopied. So my medical records are in California and here and this guard at Henri Bendel's has my DNA, which is a concern to me because if it were to get in the wrong hands, well I have a very violent history.

me
I -

crazy lady
So I've given up on that, you know I have a very violent history. Well you know our attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, and how he is only interested in corporate things and has no interest in individuals who might be suffering problems. You know I called him to tell him about my phone bill, which for the past few months has been $300 but should only be $45 because I have the all-inclusive plan. So you know I called small claims court, but they weren't interested.

me
[resignedly] mm hm

crazy lady
so i went to the latin progressive junta on east 57th, and there's a yugoslavian there, and you know he was very helpful. i called a private detective in 197- 198- i mean in 2002 - after my husband died, becuse his twin died, he was killed by a violent russian, a moscow man, i mean russian, so i need to find out how to sue about my telephone bill

me
mm hm

crazy lady>
my family has a very serious history of violence, you know. But my medical records are scattered - in hollywood hills, in connecticut, and like i sad my DNA is in the possession of this security guard at henri bendel.

me
You realize you're calling a publishing company? [as opposed to, say, an outpatient hotline or your husband's ghost]

crazy lady
yes, because I was wondering, besides food recipes do you also publish violence and medicine and fraud recipes"

me
recipes?

crazy lady
well i only have an electric typewriter - do you need me to use a computer?

me
oh! you want to submit a manuscript!

crazy lady
yes, i want you to publish my book. I have not had the chance to have it written yet. what is your zip code?

me
[standard how-to-sumbit speech]

crazy lady
well thank you very much, you know after they started taking over my phone lines i thought that calling people would be a bad idea, but this really is the recipe - the story - i mean, my story and my husband's story. but that's really it.

[hangs up]

1 comment:

Kat said...

So I was just rereading all of your old posts because I'm obsessed with you... and I don't know how I missed this one... but it is hilarious. Booyah.