manifestations of my personality as determined by online quizzes, and how I feel about it.

what flavor of tic-tac are you?: “fresh mint”
I don’t really like being told that I resemble a vaguely defined menthol flavor. At least with spearmint and cinnamon and the others you’ve got a sort of Frege-style referent when it comes to the flavor description, but “fresh mint” is totally noncommital. Also, I’m a little disturbed by the claim that my best match among the other tic-tac flavors is “Orange.” “Fresh mint” sounds sort of toothpaste-y, and we all know that toothpaste+orange juice = ew. This does not bode well for my love life.

wat demon r u?: “u r a vampire! the greatest of the demons!!! night walker and drinker of the elixer of life.”
I m a vampire! R u a vampire? You know what? Being a vampire is a-okay with me. Vampires get to wear cloaks, which is a sartorial statement I am willing to stand behind. Technically speaking, I was operating under the assumption that the elixir of life was something intimately related to the philosopher’s stone (thanks, Harry Potter and Paulo Coelho), but maybe that’s the difference between an elixir and and elixer: one is mythical, and the other one is just, you know, blood.

what name is best for you?: “Nimue”
True story: one of the other options was “Pipijznock.”

are you a true punk or just a stupid poser?: “you are a true punk”
I really think there’s middle ground to be had here. Could I be a non-stupid poser? Could I be an untrue punk? I disapprove of the dichotomy that the author of this quiz is trying to create. It’s polarizing attitudes like this one that cause so much strife in our great nation today. America is stronger than that. We are a proud and multifaceted people, united by our common love for freedom and ramen noodles and Lindsay Lohan.

what form of self-mutilation are you?: “you are hair pulling”
All the other options – cutting, burning, self-breaking of bones, reopening closed wounds – are violent and totally destructive. And then there’s me, being all “oh I need to feel! I am so numb and alone, I need to cause pain! I need to know I’m alive!” And I do that by… pulling on my hair? That’s like cruising Washington Square Park at 2am for a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.

??what alcoholic drink are you??: “you’re most like: a Cocktail”
The double question marks that both precede and follow the title of this quiz fooled me into thinking this was an extremely urgent question that needed answering immediately. “What alcoholic drink am I?” I cried, and went diving into such alcoholic questions as: what is your favorite movie? And then I get this totally unacceptable, totally noncommittal “you’re most like: a Cocktail” crap. I mean given the extraordinary range of idiotic drink names – everything from Harvey Wallbanger to the painfully obvious Sex On The Beach – I was really expecting something more. In fact, this is so bad that I refuse to accept it. I’m going to self-identify as a Dirty Vodka Martini With Extra Olives, and let you extrapolate pervily from that what you will.

what type of killer are you?: Ninja
Can I be a Vampire Ninja? Because holy crap. That would be awesome. You just can’t get cooler than a Vampire Ninja. Also, I wouldn’t have to buy new clothes. Black is the new black. Miuccia Prada said so.

Oh, and because I arbitrarily declared Tuesdays to be glossary day, today's word is:
Vampire Ninja (VAM-pyer NIN-juh), n. Definition: me.


Storey Clayton said...

No Blue Pyramid quizzes. Boo.

Although in retrospect, given the treatment these quizzes get, perhaps Yay.


helen said...

fine, blue pyramid quizzes:

what state are you?:south carolina
according to the state website, their river systems include the following: Pee Dee, Santee, Savannah. Except that one of the quiz questions I answered asked me about my opinion on double-letters, and I was all "no, actually, they sort of piss me off." Way to do your research, Clayton.

what book are you?:the lion, the witch and the wardrobe
literarily, i totally approve of this answer: I am classic, I am vaguely concerned with WWII, and I am a thinly-veiled allegory for the importance of Christian values. Grammatically, however, I am generally bothered by the fact that Lewis didn't use the Oxford comma in the title of his book. But then, he was a don at Cambridge, and that's worse than bloods and crips, so I guess he threw his punches where he could.

what kind of animal are you?: human
That just about gets it, though I look nothing like the picture.


Jordan said...

Surfing around the internet, I came upon This which i thought was appropriate

Jordan said...

Although that's only a 'pirate ninja,' i suppose a Vampire ninja is still cooler; or at least still looks better in black.

but a pirate ninja probably has a better tan.

(new debate case: Pirate ninja or Vampire Ninja, opp choice)