Dear God

“Ugh. I wish Kol Nidre was on a different day. Wednesday the Computer Club is having our all-night LAN party.”
“That sounds really lame.”
“But there will be Warcraft! And probably pizza!”

- an actual conversation between me and my brother, 10/10/05

Dear God,

Happy New Year! I was thinking about saying “shanah tovah” except I figure what with your omniscience etc. it doesn’t really matter what language I’m wishing you a happy new year in, and adding in a whole ‘nother language – transliterated, no less – probably just confuses the matter. You probably just sublimate the gist of this letter anyway, and I didn’t really have to write it, I could just think it. But I kind of wanted to sort of distinguish myself from the prayers and hosannas and all that other stuff which you’re probably bombarded with all the time, especially around this time of year. Also I have all these notecards left over from my bar mitzvah, which my mom has been bugging me to finish off. My friends in the Computer Club would totally make fun of me for writing you a letter longhand instead of like emailing or something, but I really like the font my name is printed in and I know you won’t tell.

So anyway. Down to business. Here’s the thing: I mentioned already that I’m in the Computer Club, which is like a very important thing in my life right now for various reasons that I don’t really want to get into and anyway you probably know about them (omniscience is awesome, by the way, Q was always my favorite character [actually now that I bring that up, Charlie and I had a total flamewar about this the other day – he claims Q is only omnipotent and not omniscient, but I maintain that if you can do anything, that means you can learn anything, so you can totally do the act of being omniscient. You’re probably the right guy to settle this.]). So the point is, we’re having our all-night LAN party this Wednesday, and I really think it’s time I owned those motherfuckers at Warcraft. My mom won’t let us get a PC at home, and there are these subtle platform differences with the Mac version, and I’m really sick of losing all the time, so I’ve been secretly practicing in the computer lab after school on Tuesdays. Also, there will probably be pizza.

The thing is there’s no way in hell my mom is going to let me go because it’s the night before Yom Kippur. So speaking of your omnipotence (okay so it was Q’s omnipotence, but I needed a segue), any chance you could change the date of Yom Kippur this year? I would really appreciate it. You could do it by slightly changing the fabric of space/time, or something, and I looked this up and you did it for I think Joshua, who was laying siege on like Jericho or something. I think this is functionally similar to me laying siege to Charlie in the land of Azeroth, plus I will probably not blow the shofar, which you probably find really annoying at this point, plus it makes my ears hurt and sometimes triggers an asthma attack.

Anyway, thanks in advance.



joe said...

wow helen. ouch. but for serious, i actually havent been to computer club since last autumn, which was why i felt guilty at not going. and i dont have asthma anymore. Shit. i just realized defending myself makes this seem even more dorky. argh. well, buggeritall. Besides, arent you the person here who still doesnt forgive me for losing your Mario 64 cartridge, 6 years ago? (which i still haven't aquired)

joe said...

holy shit!!! a bird just flew straight into the window!!! That was both scary and hularious!!! it left feathers and everything! (it was probably trying to attack the merry-go-round horse). But no worries, it flew off...wow, that was awesome

Wong Online PoKér Hu said...

No one is a better adviser than God. Asking for some of his mind is not really bad. You may notr hear him directly say what he wants, but he has enough resources and methods to show to you what he has to say.