yes, i want your body

ah, the fleeting internets. a google news headline about the PR shitfest that is Kimberly "spawn of Rod" Stewart and Talan Whatshisface's called-off engagement read:

have i told you lately that it's over?

I clicked on the link and it took me to a 404 page, and when I googled the phrase I got ... nothing. Oh well. It was a brief, glimmering moment of headline brilliance. Like a shooting star, or a sunset, or a jewel-like insect whose birth and death arrive and pass in the time it takes us to blink our eyes. Just like Kimberly and Talan's love. Tragic, really.

actually, i've been really into this one eyeshadow from brooklyn lately

you might not realize this, but the endless struggle to be a hipster is actually pretty trying. there is the disaffected posture to adopt, the obscure television trivia to retain, the appreciation for lowbrow/lowbrow to cultivate. it is, let me tell you, hell on my beauty regimen. with all the time spent ensuring that my chucks are distressed and making sure people see me listening to my ipod and double-checking that my scarf is draped just so, i barely have time to smudge my eyeliner - let alone deep condition my hair. but with winter upon us (happy belated thanksgiving, everybody), and a fair bit of making out with people on the schedule for the holiday season, i can't skimp when it comes to lip maintenance. so i popped off to my friendly local duane reade looking for something that would fit into my hectic lifestyle - something moisturizing, but also light. something with a hint of color. something that smelled yummy. something that spoke to me.

And there it was. Cover Girl Lipslicks. 0.14oz of lightly tinted, shimmery, emollient goodness. but - oh! - too many colors! which one will perfectly complement my self-identication, the lipgloss equivalent of a message t-shirt?! did i want to wear the sparkling pink of "princess"? the cool mauve of "demure"? the rich grape of "daring"? (the cover girl website informs me that this shade is not available in canada - intrigue!)

don't kid around with me. the right choice - for my lips, for my lifestyle - is obvious: "hipster" - a pearlescent wine color that says "even though i buy my lipgloss at a drug store, i am DIFFERENT and INDIE!"

so which is sadder: that cover girl makes a lip gloss called "hipster," or - as i sit here typing this narrative, noting with a certain happiness that my lips are soft and nicely shimmery and emitting a vaguely berry smell - that i'm wearing it?


rave: payless shoes

holy crap this is my new favorite store.
that is all.


i'm a lyrical gangsta

Avid watchers-of-Helen will know that I am obsessed - obsessed - with the song "Nasty Girl" by Nitty. This is a song that takes the tune to "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies and turns it into a hip hop/motown/pop fusion the likes of which are rarely seen outside of musical valhalla. It is also notable for containing, in my opinion, the best lyrical moment ever in the history of music, to wit:

Last time we sexed, I had her crawlin' like a alligator
It's an artistically unoverestimable line, not only for its terrific use of "sex" as a verb, and for its use of the indefinite article "a" before a word beginning with a vowel, but also and perhaps most importantly for the inscrutable nature of "crawlin' like a alligator" as a presumably desirable effect of particularly good "sexing." Much time and energy on my part (and to the annoyance of others) has been spent explicating this line, and I was pretty sure that the case was closed on the issue of Greatest Lyrics Ever.

Until. Until I was browsing around H&M and was distracted from the gold lame asymmetrical vests and the Mary-Kate-esque knee-length open-weave sweaters by the following coming from the store's loudspeakers:
you're so Anne Frank
Let's hit the attic to hide out for 'bout two weeks
Let's discuss: the singer (Andre 3000, the song is "So Fresh So Clean" by Outkast) is telling this girl that she reminds him of Anne Frank and he would like to hide in an attic with her for two weeks. Baby, you're so sexy that you remind me of The World's Most Famous Holocaust Victim and - mm mm mm - let's go pretend the Nazis are after us and have lots and lots and lots of sex in the meantime. Is this even a compliment? It's not really a question of being offended or not being offended, it's a question of this makes no sense.

The real question, though, is whether Andre 3000 can make Anne Frank crawl like an alligator. I imagine folks would pay to see that.


it all depends on the woman, really...

can i make it any more obvious?

It has come to my attention that currently in pre-production is a movie inspired by the Avril Lavigne classic story of love, loss, and ironic redemption, "Sk8r Boi."

The part of the ballet-dancing prep will be played by Nicole Ritchie, and the sk8r boi himself will be played by one or another of the interchangeable Madden twins.

To this I say: holy crap.


things that are awesome

Inspired by the devil's rhubarb, a list of other people, places, and things possessing the quality of awesomeness:

  1. frisee lettuce
  2. small children who are concentrating very hard
  3. talking and while you are talking realizing that the sentence you are saying is going to wind up having a really convoluted grammatical structure, and then realizing that you handled it perfectly, and then marveling that you were able to have that whole thought process going on at exactly the same time that you pulled that stunt of grammatical brilliance, and then feeling really proud of yourself
  4. flannel sheets
  5. the knowledge that pasta tossed with garlic sauteed in olive oil and topped with fresh parmesan is, on a per-serving basis, only about ten cents more expensive than ramen noodles
  6. the Tappan Zee bridge
  7. stuffed animals made of polarfleece
  8. paint-your-own pottery
  9. the feeling of superiority engendered by the express train on which you are riding hurtling past a station where there are many people waiting
  10. masking tape
  11. piggy banks
  12. Annie Lennox
  13. dull gloss paper
  14. books of unconventional size
  15. penguins
  16. your sense of what cloudberries look like, prior to learning what cloudberries actually look like
  17. pthalo green
  18. drawing a line through the diagonal on a lowercase Z
  19. really fast-moving escalators
Feel free to add or annotate in the comments. This is not by any means an exhaustive list.


the greatest recipe of all time

In my line of work I come across some pretty crazy recipes. This one wins. Every facet is genius. It is a work of art. It is from Kitchen of Light, which is a cookbook of Scandinavian food and is pretty rockin' in its own right. But that's not the point. The point is:

The Devil’s Rhubarb
Serves 4

8 thin stalks very young rhubarb, trimmed
1/2 cup sugar
2/3 cup very cold vodka

Peel the rhubarb so that only the juicy interior remains.

Place the sugar in a small bowl. Dip the rhubarb in the sugar and take small bites. Clean your mouth with sips of vodka from small glasses.

THAT IS IT. THAT IS THE ENTIRE RECIPE. I need to sit down, the awesomeness hurts me.



A commenter on Gawker asks:

jews: will they ever get over themselves?
Answer: ha. no. we are a masturbatory people, my inquisitive friend. now stop asking questions and go read the latest issue of Heeb while wearing your American Apparel t-shirt and listening to the Beastie Boys. wait, what was the question?


i'm not sure about "mightier than," but it's definitely "as mighty as, maybe a bit less"

Whoever said working in publishing was a peaceful job was off his rocker. Today I have received upwards of four (that's right - it could well be five or six) paper cuts, three of which have bled. I am so badass. Don't even try to step up. I have a ream of cotton-bound and I will cut you.


Mark Linn Baker, we hardly knew thee

A Conversation I had with Mark Linn Baker, Who I Met Tonight

Random Dude: Hey man, you’re the guy from Perfect Strangers!
Mark Linn Baker: Yep, that’s me. Good to meet you.
Random Dude fades back into the crowd
Helen: You must get that a lot.
Mark Linn Baker: Yep.
Helen: Cool.

Conversations I Would Have Liked To Have Had With Mark Linn Baker, Who I Met Tonight

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: You know I always felt sort of connected to Perfect Strangers, since I grew up in Chicago.
MLB: Oh really?
Helen: You don’t actually care, do you?
MLB: No, not really.
Helen: You’re not a very good celebrity.
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So… that Frog & Toad musical thing totally bombed, huh?
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So you’re on that show with the girl from Roseanne.
MLB: Actually it was canceled.
Helen: Yeah, I heard it was crap.
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So you’re on that show with the girl from Roseanne.
MLB: Sarah Gilbert, yeah, great girl.
Helen: I heard she’s a lesbian.
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So you’re on that show with the girl from Roseanne.
MLB: Sarah Gilbert, yeah, great girl.
Helen: I heard she’s a lesbian.
MLB: Yeah, she and her partner have such a beautiful commitment.
Helen: I went to Smith, actually. So it’s sort of like I’m an honorary lesbian.
MLB: I guess I can see that.
Helen: So… you’re kind of balding, aren’t you?
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So, still in touch with Bronson Pinchot?
MLB: Fuck off.

Helen: You must get that a lot.
MLB: Yep.
Helen: So, still in touch with Bronson Pinchot?
MLB: Actually, and I’m only telling you this because I find you strangely attractive, but Bronson and I are secretly lovers. And, like I said, I find you really attractive, and I know Bron has been interested in trying something new lately. So what would you say if I asked you to, maybe, slip out the back and --
Helen: Fuck off.