12.23.2005

too good for mcsweeney's

If Classic Plot-Twist Movies Took Their Cues From The Multiple-Tony-Winning Broadway Hit "The Light In The Piazza," In Which It Turns Out That The Mysterious Daughter Is Not Tubercular or Already Married or Anything Even Remotely Expected; Rather, She Is Mentally Retarded

The Sixth Sense
Bruce Willis' character has been mentally retarded all along.

The Empire Strikes Back
While Luke is dangling over the abyss, Darth Vader reveals to him that he is actually mentally retarded.

The Crying Game
It turns out the "girlfriend" was no girlfriend at all - instead, "she" was mentally retarded.

Fight Club
Brad Pitt is just a manifestation of Edward Norton's mental retardation.

The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy wakes up in her own bed, surrounded by loved ones, and discovers that she is mentally retarded.

The Usual Suspects
The fax comes in with the suspect sketch, and reveals that Kaiser Soze is mentally retarded.

Citizen Kane
It's revealed that Charlie Kane was driven his whole life by the thought of his lost childhood mental retardation

Soylent Green
Charlton Heston discovers that soylent green is made of mentally retarded people.

Wild Things
Even though it appears that Kevin Bacon or even Denise Richards is mentally retarded, Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon are the real mentally retarded ones, and they have been been mentally retarded from the very beginning. But then out of nowhere, Bill Murray is mentally retarded.

Memento
It turns out the whole movie is told mentally retardedly.



with help from david. thanks, david!

5 comments:

ljd said...

The Sting
Doyle Lonegan doesn't suspect that the "FBI agents" in the bookie's shop are actually mentally retarded.

joe said...

wow, helen. You are going directly to hell.
But the soylent green one was incredible, and probably true.

Beth said...

Wow - McSweeney's didn't take that? Those bastards. Sometimes there's really good stuff there, and sometimes there's absolute crap. This list definitely belongs there!

EL said...

how about....

the ringer
in a stunning plot twist, johnny knoxville's character (who has pretended to be mentally retarded in order to rig the special olympics) turns out to actually be... wait for it... mentally retarded.

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