2.02.2006

this is why i moved away from the midwest

I've spent far more time today than I really want to admit doing google image searches for Kevin Federline and Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) in order to prove to the world that besides having tremendous overlap in the insufferable douchebag department, they actually do look remarkably alike. I was all set to write an exciting and amusing post about that (potential titles: PopoWow; Separated at Bizzearth; Jigga What-Ho!; Ice Ice Federletus), but I was having a hard time finding pictures of the two gangsta-affected white boys striking similar poses while simultaneously wearing similar head coverings and having similar facial hair patterns.

So how about this: put together your mental picture of K-Fed (overdone hair, high cheekbones, weirdly attractive in a greasy and chlamydial sort of way) and your mental picture of V-Ice (overdone hair, high cheebones, embarrassingly... you get the idea), but minus the weird eyebrow shaving things. See!? Aren't they REALLY REALLY ALIKE?

Okay, gedankenexperiment aside, here is the critically important part of this story: Vanilla Ice has an official website. And on this official website there is a photo gallery (which I visited purely for research purposes, and in no way out of an unresolved crush on Mr. Ice dating from 1989, thank you), and in this photo gallery there is a variety of subgalleries, one of which is called V-Ice Tats.

The casual reader might think this was a collection of photographs of the tattoos covering the arms of Vanilla Ice. The casual reader would be wrong. These are photographs of people who have had images and logos related to Vanilla Ice indelibly tattooed on their bodies, presumably while in a state of mind under which they would legally be allowed to, say, draw up a last will & testament. Though actually if we're going to be fair, if you're the sort of person who now, 15 years after the fact, are still so enamored with The Ice that you want to commemorate it upon your flesh, well, I personally would not actually entrust to you any sort of legal rights. But that's just me.

Anyway, rights are not the point here. The point is:
I won't even start on the fact that the dude on the left has some seriously conflicting ideologies going on in the backne region, unless that kanji character in the center means "Boy do I ever love both anarcho-satanism and white rap built on an impercepibly modified Queen/Bowie sample."

I also realize that there are only three images in this gallery. But that is three more images than a godly earth ought to contain.

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2 comments:

LJD said...

The character on that dude's back means "painful," which is probably accurate.

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