i will hurl my cell phone at passersby

It’s Hollywood week here at RSGo headquarters, an event kicked off by the dream I had last Thursday night wherein I made out with Dan Aykroyd. Hollywood week also contains such dramatic events as last night’s sucky and long Oscars broadcast, me being on the subway this morning with Glenn Close, and my perpetual and thus-far futile stalking of New York's sole remaining Olsen twin, who allegedly goes to school across the street from my office. It will all come to a head on Wednesday night, for the simultaneously airing finale of Project Runway and first episode of America’s Next Top Model: Cycle n, where n is an integer that I can’t remember right now.

In honor of the three remaining days of RSGo Hollywood week (I only declared its existence five minutes ago and really wanted to extend it retroactively to include the Dan Aykroyd dream, which is arguably the most disturbing makeout dream I have ever had, though last night I also had a dream that Angelina Jolie was dating Heath Ledger and she was wearing yellow stretch pants, and that was also disturbing but no making out was involved [sadly]), I am going to behave like a celebrity. Therefore, I will be doing and don’ting the following:

  1. I will wear high heels every day.
  2. I will allow myself to be seen entering a hotel with an ex-boyfriend.
  3. I will not eat.
  4. Unless I am being photographed, in which case I will eat enthusiastically.
  5. I will go out every night.
  6. I will wear black capri-length tights under everything.
  7. I will never wear a bra.
  8. I will hoover up drugs like nobody’s business.
  9. I will suffer from exhaustion.
  10. I might or might not be engaged.
  11. I might or might not be pregnant.
  12. I might or might not have difficulty conceiving, and would appreciate you respecting my privacy at this difficult time.
  13. I will steal your boyfriend or husband.
  14. I will claim I did not steal your boyfriend or husband.
  15. I will become a UN Goodwill ambassador.
  16. I will become a vegetarian.
  17. I will drive a hybrid car.
  18. I will date a member of The Strokes.
  19. I will be squinty.
  20. I will be represented by Lizzie Grubman.
  21. I will not let my eyebrows be governed by muscle movement and gravity.
  22. I will make courageous statements such as: “racism is bad,” and join the fight against breast cancer
  23. I will enroll at Harvard to demonstrate that there is more to me than just my incredible good looks.
  24. I will go to the bathroom constantly.
  25. I will not leave the house without my Sidekick.
  26. I will threaten a lawsuit if my sex tape is released.
  27. I will be sighted on Gawker Stalker.
I have a hell of a week ahead of me.


ljd said...

Could you also lose your diary? I'd be more than willing to post incriminating snippets on the Internet.

Sophie said...

No Kabbalah? No L. Ron Hubbard? No highly publicized catfights with barely legal Disney channel sweethearts?

Naugler said...

May I PLEASE, please, please be your rumoured lesbian affair?