4.28.2006

this is just taking things too far

You know what? This is NOT OKAY:


I am willing to accept the leggings trend as more than just a blip on the retro-fashion radar. I admit it - I think black capri-length leggings kind of actually have the ability to look good every so often. My grudging but inevitable surrender to the black leggings trend is well-documented and something I am totally willing to own up to. But HELLS TO THE N-O on lace-trimmed bike shorts (because, kids, that's what these are: these are above the knee and therefore they are bike shorts). This is just taking it too goddamn far.

Here is what urbanoutfitters.com has to say about this monstrosity:

A lacey addition to the classic spin on leggings. They go great with skirts, short dresses, or hey, make up your own rules!
No. There is not a single concept in this product description that is not a lie:
  • A lacey addition to the classic spin on leggings.
Well first of all, UA copy department, it's "lacy," not "lacey," which does not mean "intentional flower-shaped holes," but rather is a really horrible name for an untrendy mother with aspirations of sur-trailer glory to burden her child with. But second of all: NO. This sentence implies first of all that there is an existing "classic spin on leggings," which there is not, and second of all assumes that if there were such a classic spin that this spandex-and-lace sartorial golgoroth would belong to it. THAT IS NOT TRUE.
  • They go great with skirts, short dresses
As evidenced by the above picture: lie. They do not "go great." They do not even go mediocre. They go retina-searing. Maybe they could go good with a floor-length, fully opaque skirt or dress which has been stapled to the ground so that not even an errant gust of wind can reveal the Bike Shorts Of Vomit. Maybe.
  • or hey, make up your own rules!
Again, lies. No one who purchases this product should be given agency in any capacity. Especially in the arena of what to do with the clothing once she is in possession of it. Do not make up your own rules, purchasers of this hideous waste of the hours of the Filipino women who poured sweat and blood into their creation for $0.31 an hour. Do not. You are not creative. You are not fashion forward. All you are - all you are - is in possession of a really ugly pair of lace-trimmed knee-length bicycle shorts.

1 comment:

ljd said...

aaaaaaagh knees I hate them!!!