coming soon

i want to get this out there so i can lay claim to the idea (in conjunction with Tim, Laurel, Mia, and Leila, who all have their fingers in the concept as well). So there's this movie, Snakes on a Plane... you might have heard of it?

Well I bet you haven't heard of the sequel, Snakes on a Spaceship. Just think about it: snakes, no longer hindered by the restrictive forces of gravity, able to writhe and slink and swim through the air, winding their bodies like so many undulating reptiles of death... not to mention that zero-g leads to the exciting prospect of floating venom globules, which is possibly the greatest idea in the history of American cinema.

The movie would also contain Samuel L. Jackson uttering the immortal line:

There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking rocket!
which is unrivaled in its awesomeness.



on the subway today i sat next to a sharply dressed woman reading a slim white hardback book with no markings on the cover. a glance over her shoulder and the novel in question was revealed to be Plum Sykes's new book "The Debutant Divorcee," widely regarded as a piece of crap, stripped of its dust cover.

You can try to hide it, sharply dressed subway woman. You can try. But someone is always watching. And that someone generally has a blog.


sweet jesus on a stick

Retarded clothing exists. It's a sad fact of life. I like to think of shopping sort of like a real life fashion video game, where each store is a level and if you can beat Century 21 you move on to H&M, and if you beat H&M you get to the boss, which is Urban Outfitters. You beat each level by successfully navigating the sales floor and identifying which articles of clothing are actually meant for wearing in real life, and which are horrible jokes. If you try on a joke item you lose half your life force, if you buy a joke you lose a whole life, and if - god forbid - you buy a joke, bring it home, try it on for your friends, see how it looks with a belt or with different shoes, take a polaroid of yourself wearing it and go out into the sunlight, and still persist in a sheeplike belief that it does not look utterly moronic and then wear it out in public it is all kinds of Game Over.

Anyway. Some people apparently did not get this memo. But my god is an awesome god, and he sends those people onto the sidewalk outside my office right when I'm leaving work holding my cameraphone. For example:

In case you were temporarily blinded by that image and are now listening to this post via one of those neato computational read-text-out-loud thingaroos, I will describe the picture to you: This poor girl is wearing the very knee-length lace-trimmed leggings-cum-bike shorts that Urban Outfitters is foisting upon its most dimwitted of consumers. To add insult to injury, she is wearing the leggings - which are black - under a pair of dark navy blue cotton shot-shorts. With a wallet chain. Far be it from me to ask where the wallet chain is going, or what it connects to. Perhaps there is a time portal on her lower back and the wallet is located back in 1997, which is where wallet chains belong.

Oh wait, you want a close-up? Here you go.

I'll admit that I'm a fan of the sneakers, and the socks are a fetching shade of pink. But this is, stil, NOT OKAY. NOT. OKAY. I really hope that guy with his arm around her is her boyfriend, and that he loves her unconditionally. Because while I like to think I am capable of unconditional love, if I'm being honest with myself I would stop loving someone if they wore these bike shorts. Unless that someone were a puppy.


helen for president

Some people at lunch were talking about how they're opposed to New York's smoking ban because it infringes upon free exercise. As a quasi-libertarian I'm all for this, but thinking about it this afternoon I think I've poked a few holes. I think. I'm sure there are many holes to be poked right back. Poke poke poke.

Anyway, heres' the gist: the idea of smoking being something we choose to do, an activity we enter into of our own free will, is a totally attractive one. But it's radically corrupted by the existence of tobacco advertising.

Classically, the purely capitalist state and the purely libertarian state have a fair bit of overlap. So capitalism is aided by the existence of advertising - it moves product, raises the bottom line - but what about its effect on rational choice? If anything, advertising is the enemy of rational choice - it replaces our instinctive measure of the desirability of a product (based on its qualities and necessity) with a new system driven by psychological manipulation and superficial imaging.

So within our advertising-riddled society, the choice to smoke is, arguably, NOT a rational one. And the continuation of the behavior - driven by a chemical addiction - further undermines the libertarian extension that continued behavior ought to be informed by continued rational decision-making. Especially in the instance of smoking - something with myriad negative externalities, where people who don't choose to smoke are still reaping harms - that is VERY problematic.

All of this is a roundabout way of saying that as long as the government is restricting rational choice by allowing tobacco advertising to exist, I support a ban on smoking as a counterbalancing measure to protect those of us who choose not to smoke. At the same time, I think if we stripped all advertising and maybe found a way to eliminate the addictive element of cigarettes, not banning smoking is also not a horrible idea - so long as nonsmokers had somewhere they could go.

Anyway, poke away. Poke poke poke.


crooklyn is two weeks late

sometimes things fall in your lap exactly when you need them. this is serendipity, or perhaps coincidence. it's pretty rad when it happens, and you sort of feel like the world is actually working in your favor.

sometimes things fall in your lap, but they're twelve days behind schedule and could have been way more excellent had they actually shown up on time. for example this cartoon, which is the New Yorker Cartoon Of The Week, emailed to me every Sunday, which would have been awesome as an illustration for my post on getting janked* by mafioso russian movers.

*I'm using "janked" here to mean "taken advantage of," which i suspect is not the proper slang usage. when i did a google definition search I got an entry from French Wikipedia, saying "Jank est un personnage du manga Fly." With my supreme translation powers, I've decided that this says "Jank is a totally fly personage involved with manga." Rock and roll.


i think my cookie is trying to tell me something

since it's friday i splurged a little bit at lunch, and got these weird japanese (or something) dippy cookies called Yam Yam, which are vaguely sweet but essentially neutral baked-good sticks which are sort of like handi-snax in that they come with a reservoir of stuff in which to dip them, though it's chocolate frosting (the package calls it "tasty choco cream") instead of that insanely delicious "cheese product." (side note: does anyone know where you can buy handi-snax cheese in bulk? because i am so there.)

Anyway. I have these from time to time because they remind me of my childhood, for reasons I can't recall (theory: I had them, once, as a child). Their flavor absolutely has not changed over the 20-odd years it's been since I first had them, and it's a totally proustian experience for me to bite into one. Nothing. Ever. Changes.

Except. Today I took a cookie out of the sort of cup-shaped thing they come in, and dipped it into the chocolate reservoir, and took a bite, and then noticed that there was something printed on the cookie.

wtf? I pulled out another cookie.
again, wtf? Turns out these cookies have what the package calls "fun lines," which apparently means the names of animals followed by something having to do with the animal. Here you go:
click to enlarge

The photo isn't super clear (a cameraphone can only do so much), but here's what the cookies say, from top to bottom:
So clearly there is absolutely nothing making sense here in terms of consistency. But here is what's killing me: what is the animal that is telling me to BEWARE OF LIES? I'm dying. I need to know. Ideas?

fun facts about llamas

Llamas eat less than sheep and cattle on a weight-ratio basis.
One llama eats about four bales of hay per month.
When content, a llama hums.

thanks, popbitch


Here's what you should do today: go check out the recipe for Zombie Chicken over at the MOAF.