5.19.2006

sweet jesus on a stick

Retarded clothing exists. It's a sad fact of life. I like to think of shopping sort of like a real life fashion video game, where each store is a level and if you can beat Century 21 you move on to H&M, and if you beat H&M you get to the boss, which is Urban Outfitters. You beat each level by successfully navigating the sales floor and identifying which articles of clothing are actually meant for wearing in real life, and which are horrible jokes. If you try on a joke item you lose half your life force, if you buy a joke you lose a whole life, and if - god forbid - you buy a joke, bring it home, try it on for your friends, see how it looks with a belt or with different shoes, take a polaroid of yourself wearing it and go out into the sunlight, and still persist in a sheeplike belief that it does not look utterly moronic and then wear it out in public it is all kinds of Game Over.

Anyway. Some people apparently did not get this memo. But my god is an awesome god, and he sends those people onto the sidewalk outside my office right when I'm leaving work holding my cameraphone. For example:



In case you were temporarily blinded by that image and are now listening to this post via one of those neato computational read-text-out-loud thingaroos, I will describe the picture to you: This poor girl is wearing the very knee-length lace-trimmed leggings-cum-bike shorts that Urban Outfitters is foisting upon its most dimwitted of consumers. To add insult to injury, she is wearing the leggings - which are black - under a pair of dark navy blue cotton shot-shorts. With a wallet chain. Far be it from me to ask where the wallet chain is going, or what it connects to. Perhaps there is a time portal on her lower back and the wallet is located back in 1997, which is where wallet chains belong.

Oh wait, you want a close-up? Here you go.



I'll admit that I'm a fan of the sneakers, and the socks are a fetching shade of pink. But this is, stil, NOT OKAY. NOT. OKAY. I really hope that guy with his arm around her is her boyfriend, and that he loves her unconditionally. Because while I like to think I am capable of unconditional love, if I'm being honest with myself I would stop loving someone if they wore these bike shorts. Unless that someone were a puppy.

3 comments:

Joe said...

Helen- you seem to be letting her boyfriend off scot-free for wearing Evisu jeans (meaning he paid >$425 for a pair of jeans that do not fit well or look good and are not cool BUT the super-contrast logo was *hand-painted* on the back pockets). Please: shred him for this. And his letting her out of the house in those... whatever they are.

Singerman said...

I never read your blog. But I enjoyed this post. Until the last line about the puppy. What were you thinking?

Okay, I'm going to read something that will make me smarter.

El Gray said...

You get bonus points for using a line from an actual contemporary Christian worship song.

I hope it was intentional.