12.16.2006

how nerds make dessert

for a party tonight, i'd promised to bring lemon-meringue tartlets (don't go acting all impressed - they're surprisingly easy to make). i already had about two cups of lemon curd leftover from making spiced shortbread cookies earlier this week (don't you wish you were my roommate?), so i spun by the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for the crusts. at the grocery store, smiling from the produce section, were the most beautiful lovely grapefruits ever.

grapefruit-meringue tartlets! sang the lightbulb that flashed on over my head. so i bought four grapefruits and another pound of butter and carried on my merry way.

i make lemon curd kind of a lot, considering it's, you know, lemon curd. but as someone who doesn't love chocolate, i make lemon bars and lemony sandwich cookies and lemon pies with moderate frequency. so the recipe exists in my head, rather than on a piece of paper, and i do most of it by sight and feel. for example, i have no idea how much lemon zest and lemon juice i use, i just know that it's about the quantity you get from three large lemons.

so, fuck. how do i convert lemons



into



grapefruits?

answer: math! for zest equivalents, i simply need to figure out how to convert the surface area of an ellipsoid (the lemon) to that of a sphere (the grapefruit), and for juice equivalent i need to convert the volume of an ellipsoid (minus the pith) to the volume of a sphere (minus the pith).

this should be a walk in the park, right?

there was a leftover lemon on my counter. i wrapped it with a piece of string going around the round part (5.7 inches)and going around the long part (7.3 inches) and figured i would just plug it into some sort of simple equation to figure out the surface area.

ha ha.

the surface area of an ellipsoid is derived via this formula:




where



ha. um. no. i'm going to abandon surface area altogether and move on to the volume, for juice purposes. much easier:



where a is width/2, b is length/2, and c is depth/2. or whatever. anyway, this is totally doable. knowing that the circumference of a lemon is 5.7 inches, we simply divide by pi (oh my god the puns are making themselves), getting both a width and depth of 1.814 inches.

it would be easy to measure the length of the lemon using my piece of string, but i stupidly cut the lemon up to make preserved lemons after i measured the two big circumferences. so time to convert the circumference of what i will assert is a perfect ellipse into the length of its major axis!

7.3 inches in circumference and a 1.814-inch transverse axis... and now we just plug it into this formula:




...and then we kill ourselves.

at this point i realized that it's been about 8 years since i've taken a math class that actually involved numbers, and i can't go on. so i did something shameful: i took my piece of string and i laid it out on the table in an ellipse that vaguely resembled what i thought the lemon looked like, and i measured its length, arriving at the oh-so-precise conclusion of "eh, 3 inches."

okay. now let's party. The volume of an ellipse that's 3" x 1.814" x 1.814" equals? 4/3 x 3.1415 x 1.5 x 0.907 x 0.907 = 5.168.

WE HAVE MEASUREMENT! except i forgot to include the depth of the pith, except fuck it i no longer care.

now it's time to measure the volume of the grapefruit. this is easy, because i am asserting that a grapefruit is a sphere, with a diameter of 13.2 inches. if the diameter is 13.2 then the radius is 2.05, so the volume is (dundundunnnn) 36.08.

this sounds obscenely large but i decided to just go with it. except that - while lemons have teeny pith (only about an eigth of an inch), grapefruits have giant massive pith. so i have to reduce my diameter by an inch, which means my radius by half an inch, which means my new equation becomes:

4/3 x 3.1415 x 1.55 x 1.55 x 1.55

which gives us a grapefruit volume of 15.6!

so a grapefruit (15.6) divided by a lemon (5.168) equals 3.01, which is close enough to 3 for me to say that the answer is:

THREE. THREE LEMONS = ONE GRAPEFRUIT.

easy as (oh my god, can i really say it?) easy as (wait for it!) easy as (here it comes... are you ready? come on... come on...)

easy as pi.

318 comments:

1 – 200 of 318   Newer›   Newest»
Joe said...

wow, helen. you really raised the lemon bar for nerdy cooks.
You could have easily just weighed the fruits, silly. or more accurately, their volume of juice IN A MEASURING CUP. then adjust for concentration of taste. i'm pretty sure in actual juice, lemon is far more acidic and concentrated than grapefruit. so you would need to use more grapefruit juice in ratio to lemon juice, unless you boiled it down.
Also, i'm convinced that third formula you showed with all the epsilon-thingies was bogus.

helen said...

i would have used a measuring cup if i had a lemon on hand. but i didn't, so math had to save the day.

the third formula is real - it's for figuring out the circumference of an ellipse based on the lengths of its major and transverse axes. since i had the length of the transverse and the length of the circumference, i was going to reverse-engineer it around to figure out the major axis, so i could then find the volume.

sigh. it was complicated.

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dude.

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Keith said...

Ha, helen this is the nerdiest post about cooking I've ever read, totally made my day :)

Marc Fishman said...

Thanks, I got through like half your post before my brain ooozed out my ear. Now, not only can I not draw pretty pictures, all I can think of is how much I despise grapefruit. Happy Hannukkah!

Emily said...

Helen, would you be willing to share your recipe for grapefruit-meringue tartlets? I love the idea :)

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