adventures in wealth

one of the things i don't like, besides bad grammar and stupid people and lace-trimmed leggings, is chocolate. this is unfortunate on the level that i cannot relate to those tra-la-la-menopause throwpillows and swirly-typefaced t-shirts that say things like "give me the chocolate and no one gets hurt" or "i have chocolate and i have a vibrator. who needs men?!" and obviously this disconnect from my gender is destroying my life.

anyway, while in spain i went to this astonishingly good chocolate shop where they actually had chocolate that i enjoyed, because it was flavored with wacky shit such as parmesan cheese and curry and hyacinth and saffron (not all at once). and i bought nineteen billion boxes of chocolate to bring back to the ol' usofa as gifts for people, plus one tiny box of four petite superdark chocolates for me, because one of the things i learned was that i really actually enjoy superdark chocolate, because it tastes like olives and i like olives.

the thing with these particular chocolates is that they are decorated with gold.

like, actual gold. the thing that jewelry is made out of and people with large hats rush and thin blonde women from long island dig. and i, you know, ate it. as a food.

i think i've eaten gold before - if the flakes in goldschlager are actual gold then i have definitely at least consumed it, in fact in quite large quantities during a forty-six hour period during my sophomore year of college. but i never actually sat down and thought about the fact that i am EATING GOLD. a PRECIOUS METAL. is being DIGESTED. by my STOMACH AND INTESTINES. it will, at some point, presumably exit my gastrointestinal system.

I will poo gold.

i would type "holy crap" here but that is hitting a little close to home right now.


Kat said...

i like olives. i like you, too.

pi said...

if you liked their chocolate because of their use of those flavors, you might try vosges chocolates...which are readily available in the us. (they have a store in soho, and their products are also sold in other stores.)

-j. said...

My brother's reaction upon seeing the advertisement for the new "Schick Quattro Titanium" razor:

"Wait, we have disposable TITANIUM now? Our society is awesome."

ljd said...

On the one hand, that's amazing...on the other hand, gold is actually pretty toxic and causes nerve damage if it's absorbed in some forms. The chocolate-decorating form must be inert -- damn, why didn't I pay more attention in chemistry? Can we write a noir story in which someone dies from gold poisoning? I only know this because it came up during my mysterious hand-tingling episodes.

helen said...

pi - i have an irrational dislike for vosges. i think mostly because their tagline - "haute chocolate" - makes me cry inside.

bots! said...

Some people fart roses.

You poop gold.

Welcome to the functions of the lower intestine, now with optional smells and colors!

pi said...

ha, i totally understand; i have lots of irrational dislikes. then i might recommend kee's. they use interesting flavors as well.

Naugler said...

Now if only you were a bird we could cut open your intestines and predict the future based on the pattern that the gold makes in them.