life's a beach

i realize that admitting the following means that i am a nine-year-old boy, but i am a big fan of referring to progressively more intimate sexual acts using the baseball-field metaphor. so far as i knew, it was the only widely-recognized system by which you could euphemistically discuss with a friend one act or set of acts, and still be able to extend the simile - homerically - when you reported back to that same friend a week later after date #4.

last night i learned a new system, which appears to be based on domestic air travel.

first base: a day at the beach
second base: [there wasn't one specified, but i'm going to go with "a day trip to the jersey shore."]
third base: going to miami
home plate: going to the bahamas

i like it. it's jet-setty and glamorous, and the notion of warm air and lapping waves is much more mood-appropriate than the image of a dude with a mustache hurtling towards a white plastic square in a cloud of dust and chaw.

on the downside, my grandparents live in miami.


lucia martinez said...

you know what else work work well?

horse racing.

the Derby. the Belmont. the Preakness. the Triple Crown.

nudge nudge, wink wink.

Anonymous said...

The problem with getting progressively more tropical is that this is unduly vagina-centric. Also it doesn't capture the richness of human experience. Maybe something historical, but transgressive in that it implicitly accepts a notion of linear civilizational progress?

"We organized into tribes for cooperative purposes but didn't have a meaningful rule of law." (we made out)

"Our military success came to depend on logistical competence rather than tactical brilliance, but public perceptions weren't a crucial part of combat decisions."
(controversial; did Alexander and Napoleon succeed because of logistical sophistication or tactical skill? in any event clearly pre-Vietnam, so I assume no oral)

"We underwent a violent revolution that swept away the aristocracy and established a centralized economy."
(we had amazing sex but I anticipate a deteriorating relationship as, over time, its internal contradictions come to light and undermine its stability)

Helen said...

anonymous - who are you? i love you.

Jess said...

The convenient thing about the baseball metaphor, however, is the fact that it has a solution for the oh-so-wide gap between second and third bases. What would the domestic air travel equivalent of shortstop be?

Helen said...

jess - memorial day weekend at hilton head?

Marcin said...

Here's the thing: travel is comprehensible to people from cultures with real sports.

Anonymous said...

you dont run to the shortstop. if the shortstop touches the ball you are OUT. and does anyone every say

"so how far did you get last night?"
"oh, we made it to shortstop!"


James said...

I'm sympathetic with the point Anonymous makes about the shortstop, but I should note that the shortstop touching the ball is neither necessary nor sufficient for you to be out. In fact, in some cases "The shortstop touched the ball but I made it to third base" means something awesome.

Jess said...

I do realize that shortstop is not a destination for a baserunner the way that Hilton Head is for a Memorial Day weekend traveler. But I think that the fact that one gets tagged out by the shortstop makes this fit in perfectly. If you get to second base, the idea is that you got no further than second base - that somehow you made an out (picked off? caught stealing? the batter behind you hit into a fielder's choice?) or that your team gave up its three outs without you advancing any further. Either way, the point is that second base was the end of the line for you, just as shortstop is if that's where you get tagged out.

And maybe I just know weird people, but I've definitely had conversations with friends about making it to shortstop.