helen answers all your questions

there comes a time in every blogger's tenure when she must answer the totally strange search engine queries that have brought readers to her site. for me, now is that time.

search.msn.com: when wife is not ready for sex for the year what to do
she's not going to have sex with you all year? dude. i applaud your commitment to your wife, and your resourcefulness in turning to the internet to resolve your problem. i also appreciate that you chose to email the post where my boyfriend gets really into stage banter to a friend, rather than simply dismissing my sex-advice-free blog and moving on to greener pastures. but here, for what it's worth, is your answer: masturbate.

google.com: where can i find leggings entirely made of lace?
oh honey. say it isn't so. i can only hope that even though you ride the sartorial shortbus, you are smart enough to pick up on deadpan sarcasm, and so my post mocking lace leggings did not, to you, sound like a ringing endorsement for the look it is intended to disparage.
unless you are dressing up as madonna. in that case it is okay to wear the leggings, but you then have to pretend she did not go on to become the priggish snot she is today, with her subpar H&M collection and scary man-arms.

google.com: easy coeds
i'm sorry, person looking for porn. i really am. it must have been a huge disappointment to plug this phrase into google and have my post about discovering my ex-boyfriend's porn collection show up instead of .wav files of 39-year-olds pretending to be 18-year-olds pretending to be lesbians. but not as huge a disappointment as it was for me to learn that i am only the fourth google result for this phrase search. what the hell?

google.com: math conversion diameter to inches
ha, you were looking for some easy homework help and instead you found the story about the time i tried to convert lemons into grapefruits. or was it vice versa? anyway, genius, you can't convert diameters into inches because one is a measurement and one is a unit of measurement. that's like asking how you can roast a chicken using only the teapot dome scandal. good luck with that rosy future, kid.


-j. said...

No, no, no, I was looking for "easy coens". <3 Joel and Ethan.

Marcin said...

Your blog has become greatly powerful now.

Kat said...

sometimes, when I google "long lost soul mate", your blog comes up.

Captain Smack said...

"easy coeds" came up as #2 when I Googled it. Your blog is getting sleazier already.

helen said...

@captain smack: yippee! slowly but steadily achieving victory, that's me.