3.19.2007

i heart

New York magazine has a bit today about things that categorically suck about London. never having been, i can't weigh in from experience, but the categorical suckage is presented with an implied subtitle of "...and New York is better." on this, my friends, i am an expert. bits on London are in bold.

New Yorkers are far, far more attractive: It’s true beyond question, at the very least for women.
women here are quite pretty. apparently new york is one of the US's skinniest cities, and we all know skinny=pretty. the suck side is: if you are not skinny, or not pretty, you are entirely fucked (in the bad way) in the dating game. when the top 50% in new york are pretty enough to be in the top 5% in minneapolis, the effort required to bring your A-game is enough to make a girl eye the midwest with a gimlet eye.*

New York: four seasons, including a real summer and a romantic, if freezy, winter.
London: one season, which is shit.

four seasons = four different wardrobes. = four times the necessary storage space. = four times the clothing bill. = four times the credit card debt. or i guess you could just say screwitall and ignore fashion, but in that case you might as well go to minneapolis.

It’s a classist place with little “bootstrap” sensibility. Aspiring artists can’t make money waiting tables or tending bar because nobody tips; they have to temp or enjoy independent wealth.
everyone is an aspiring artist. when you ask someone what he or she does for a living, they don't tell you what they actually do. they tell you what they hope to be doing in five years. this leads to the desire to punch people in their necks, which is on the whole bad.

The Tube is expensive, shuts down early, and runs so deeply underground that riders often end up with black snot.
riding the subway at 3am involves watching old men masturbate. it is rarely arousing.

Drunk men try punching you, for no reason.
drunk men try fucking you, for no reason.

Non-white people get yelled at by drunk white people.
non-black people get yelled at by drunk midtown/wallstreet douchebags; black people get called "bro" and "my homie" by drunk midtown/wallstreet douchebags.

Utilities don’t work. No sinks in most bathrooms; showers electrocute you.
we actually do okay in the indoor plumbing department, if you discount port authority.

Everything’s badly organized: Heathrow worst of all.
everything's badly organized, but everyone pretends that everything is brilliantly organized. self-delusion sends everyone into therapy. group hugs result, followed by subway masturbation. arousal does not ensue.


tomorrow: part 2 - cliches!


*i have no idea what a gimlet eye is, but doesn't it sound grand?

2 comments:

petra jane said...

I imagine a Gimlet Eye is like beer goggles, only more romantic. Also:

Aspiring artists can’t make money waiting tables or tending bar because nobody tips

Err, except there's such a thing as minimum wage for hospitality employees, which is why nobody feels the need to tip. I have friends in cafes on a better hourly wage than my salary works out to, nofairsies.

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