chipotle wants you to be beautiful

i suspect i'm not alone in my addiction to chipotle. my poison of choice is a salad with chicken, fresh tomato salsa, and their so-good-it-should-be-illegal honey-chipotle vinaigrette and a couple of wedges' worth of lime juice.

yum yum. but i am sort of calorie-obsessed (especially now that summer is realistically approaching) and the delicious-food-purveyors at chipotle are also nutrition-information-withholding bastardos (for which they have come under fire, which warms the extremely tiny part of my heart that is not concerned with ugly people, bad grammar, or whether grass-fed beef is worth the credit card debt, and instead pays attention to stuff like consumers' rights).

but Newton's fifth law of infodynamics states that for every incidence of bastardoism there is an equal and opposite act of internet vigilantism, which has resulted in this incredibly wonderful thing that google gave me: a chipotle meal calorie calculator, which has enabled me to while away approximately one-twentieth of an hour entering various combinations of toppings in order to see precisely how much arterial damage the flat-ironed gumsnappers in line in front of me are wreaking upon their hypercardio'd selves (answer: much), and also taught me that the nutritional breakdown of my preferred combination of foods is as follows:

update: my god, this cut-and-pasted html is atrocious. relevant info reproduced ersatzly here:
Chipotle Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 Burrito Bol
Amount Per Serving
Calories 531 Calories from Fat 335
% DV*
Total Fat 37g
Saturated Fat 5.2g
Cholesterol 113mg
Sodium 2516mg
Total Carbohydrate 17g
Dietary Fiber 1g
Sugars 3g
Protein 30g
Vitamin A 92%
Vitamin C 46%
Calcium 3%
Iron 4%

i also did some more research on the site and discovered that the real culprit of my quasicaloric salad (perhaps more like semicaloric, really, since the vast majority of frequent combinations tip the scales at over 1000 calories) is the oh-god-orgasm dressing, a 2-ounce serving of which packs 282 calories (for comparison purposes, 2 ounces of nondiet coke has 27). sadness. weeping. le sigh. les plentiful sighs.

but then - oh, friends, but then! - i realized something wonderful. the dressing is served to you on the side, in a 2-ounce cup that seems to be designed for jello shots. if it were full to the brim, you'd be coating your lettuce with all 282 calories of tangy goodness. but this is not the case!!! chipotle rarely gives you even a half full jello shot of dressing, saving me - a discerning, thigh-circumference aware consumer - one hundred and forty one calories per salad.

look at that. isn't that nice of them? thank you, chipotle, for saving me from myself. i - and my waistline - thank you.


ljd said...

Not critically, but rather bemusedly:

forget the caloric content; that's a jawdropping amount of sodium. that's more than a teaspoon of table salt's worth of sodium. why not just give you a mini-salt lick on the side?

also, what ingredients do they use in this "salad" so that it only includes 1g of fiber?

and finally, what about CRYPTOXANTHIN?

-j. said...

I am now thinking of naming my first child Ersatzly.