secret naked people

note: apparently if you don't read this post all the way through i sound like i am utterly insane. um. i'm not? keep reading. end of note

so there is this new thing in my life, and it is called Married People. not that i haven't spent my entire existence surrounded by folks who are married, but folks like your parents or your teachers or those at your office who are more senior than you do not really count as Married People, because according to your perception they have always been in a state of married, and so you are not having to witness the personal, social, and anthropological accompaniments of the transition from Two Seriously Dating Normal UnMarried People into Married People, and as a result be totally thrown by said personal, social, and anthropological accompaniments.

apparently the Attack Of The Married People is actually hitting me with tremendous punctuality, because i am 25 and therefore my peers have had a couple of years to sit around in a post-college world and arrive at the decision that they would really like to have other people buy them silverware. So I am starting to get used to the idea of people who I used to refer to as "Amanda's boyfriend" suddenly being "Amanda's fiance," and I consider my ability to not have a total quarter-life-crisis meltdown at that transition to be approximately five hundred gold stars in my favor. But the problem with getting used to someone being your friend's fiance is that within a finite amount of time he will transition to being her husband, and that is incredibly difficult for me because husbands are, like, my dad and Tim Allen and other dudes with mustaches who like to go to stores where they sell wood.

but far worse than Married People is this new thing I have learned goes with them, which is: Secret Naked People. because my boyfriend is currently in another state, which he went to in order to attend last night's bachelor party preceding tomorrow's wedding at which we will both be in attendance. And when he called me today, hungover and barely verbal, and i said "how was it?" he said "I can't tell you."

apparently this is common practice around bachelor parties. it is like each bachelor party is its own micro-Las Vegas and what happens within the group of attendees is never spoken of again to outsiders ever.

here is the problem with this: I've never met the bride, and am unlikely to immediately confide in her any sort of secretive things that might have happened at the party that her husband-to-be would not want her to know. So this means that my boyfriend is deciding that there are things that i can't know. And so now, because i am extremely rational and in no way neurotic, I am pretty sure my boyfriend participated in some sort of sexual act of which i would be disapproving, such as a foursome with strippers, and i am not allowed to know about it because it is the rule about stupid bachelor parties.

anyway now my new plan is to incorporate Secret Naked People into my life, and not be able to tell my boyfriend about it, because it is the rule because i declared that it is the rule. Like:
"Hey Helen, what did you have for lunch today?"
"Actually I'm not allowed to tell you.*"
(*translation: "My coworkers and I ordered in Thai, but it might or might not have come with some of that nation's famous prostitutes.")

"Morning, darling. Did you sleep well? Should we go out for brunch?"
"Actually I'm not allowed to tell you what I am doing this morning.*"
(*translation: "I will be doing laundry as soon as you leave. If you catch my drift.")

anyway, this is my new plan. Secret Naked People. but I can't tell you about it.


Anonymous said...

haha! "if you catch my drift!" and drift is a kind of detergent.

this is brilliant. but you are a crazy person.

Marcin said...

Oh you think this is hard? How hard is it when you're wandering around talking to your friends about how you want to enjoy your twenties, and dating an awesome chick, then you suddenly find that your inside thoughts about spending your life together become outside thoughts that everyone is having? Huh? Huh, Helen?

Also, you should probably not try that plan. You should probably incorporate aggressive amounts of trust into your relationship. I leave the details to you.

Cunning Linguist said...

I'll break the "guy code" here for a moment and tell you nothing life changing happens at a bachelor party. It's just that you women are so damn complex at times we feel the need to have secrecy of our own to own. Most often it's perhaps at best a topless bartender or some such but even then it's a rarity. I'll tell you this, though. You're wide eyed about the "married" thing. Wait until you get to the stage where mortgages and kids are involved. Then, when you are all mystified about it, take good stock and realize that's the whole sha-bang and there is no more nothing else to be had. That's where the life trauma hits you. It's all just one big "you mean that's it?!?!?!?"

-j. said...

Maybe there were no naked people at the bachelor party, and he just did something innocuous like facilitate a murder or betray his country or something.

Fishman said...

I'm with marcin on this one... You need copious amounts of trust in a good relationship. Cause I read your post from beginning to end and you're not coming across... un-crazy. Women have the tendency to think that guys secrecy is some code they need to crack. Guess what?

You won't crack it.

As a child, would you ever have an inside joke with a friend where upon said joke no information was actually passed, and in fact the joke was that someone important was being told they were on the outside? Well, that's all this is. Either your superego can manage that, or you can... you know... be a spinster.

Marcin said...

You're not having another kid, are you?

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