my plan

A lot of people I know are publishing books lately. Because I am a good friend, and want to support them, I am buying their books. This is also because I know that were I to ever publish a book,* I would want every single person I have ever met in my life to buy a copy, so in order to maintain my karma I must Do Unto Others.

Of course, because I have the inside dish on the sausage factory, I know that my support of their literary careers means that my friends are receiving (in the best cases) only about 10% of the cover price, which is like maybe $2, and in most incidences are probably getting much less. That is, assuming their advances earn out. Which I am assuming, because I love my friends, and want them to succeed.

BUT. I was thinking. And what I was thinking was: instead of me spending like three years writing a book, and complaining to you about the process of writing the book, and agonizing over finding an agent to take me, and forcing you to come to bars to celebrate me getting an agent and then again to celebrate me getting a publisher and then again to celebrate the book being published, and me cajoling you into buying it, and you being forced to pretend that you read it whenever you see me, and me pressuring you in subtle and not-so-subtle ways to give it an awesome user review on Amazon, and you then realizing that actually you have to read the book, because what if I've included a character that is a thinly-veiled version of you?

Instead of all that? You could just mail me a check for $2, and we could never speak of this again.

*It would be a book about an overly-critical article of clothing that likes to cook and has a obsession with grammar.

Note: None of this is in any way intended to imply that I do not like going to bars with my friends in celebration of their books. On the contrary, there is little I like more than casually mentioning that I am friends with the sort of people who live the sort of lives that justify writing a memoir before the age of 30. I just assume that no one would ever want to indulge this sort of behavior in me.


-j. said...

Do you take Canadian?

(Also, I am already a thinly veiled version of me, so no need to put yourself to the trouble of creating one.)

P.S. Please don't stop writing, though.

Marcin said...

Nice puff piece. Almost worthy of a...MAENAD?

RW said...

"It would be a book about an overly-critical article of clothing that likes to cook and has a obsession with grammar."

Ah, but Delmore Schwartz already did that.

RW said...

plus I think it's AN obsession with grammar, unless I've missed a new rule somewhere... which is possible.

Marc Fishman said...

So, did you in fact get our book, and if we send you 2 bucks, will you dole out the good vibes on amazon and to your rsgonaughts?

keep me posted,

Kat said...

who in the hell has time to write a book? Relatedly, I am sort of disappointed that my first book will be about climate justice instead of, say, lesbian nuns.

Angela said...

You do know that if you proposed this plan, and started a Tumblr about it, you'd have a book deal in about two weeks.