the pants in the family

Oh mah gah.

Kmart has been trying to revamp their clothing offerings to compete with folks like Target, whose trend-driven garments and designer collaborations carry a certain high-low cachet among the sorts of people who, like me, spend more cumulative hours thinking about what to wear on a certain occasion than they actually spend in said outfit at said occasion. Blah blah market share etc.

ANYWAY. Apparently Target has been catering to the "brazen slut" segment of the clothes-buying population, and Kmart is going to put them in their disease-and-low-moral-infected place, and they are going to do it via these pants:

Just to make sure you are really getting this, these are cropped sweatpants from the juniors department that say, in the kind of bubble letters I used to write my name on the inside of my Lisa Frank folders in 4th grade, TRUE LOVE WAITS.

The product description:

Whether she is lounging around the house, going to practice, or doing her chores. These soft athletic style crop pants will keep her comfy. Perfect for wearing with her favorite sweatshirt or tee. These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that "True Love Waits" in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants.

* Drawstring waist
* Bold abstinence screen print
* Elastic cuffs. Cotton/Polyester blend
* Machine washable
* Imported
First off, "Bold abstinence screen print" is a feature, one that is listed between the drawstring and the elastic cuffs, and that is ridiculous. BUT IT GETS BETTER. Because when you turn the girl wearing these pants around, do you know what it says in bright bubbly juvenile letters over her bright bubbly juvenile butt? IT ALSO SAYS, AGAIN, TRUE LOVE WAITS.

I can't decide, here, whether to end on the hilarious irony of having a junior's department shopper's ass (demographic age range: 12-18) essentially saying "I know you're staring at me, lechy old mister, but you're gonna have to make an honest pre-teen out of me before you can tap this word-adorned butt." Or to end on the observation that this product has exactly two user reviews, resulting in a score of 2.5 of 5 stars, indicating that perhaps for one of these two users the pants did, in fact, maintain abstinence, meriting five stars. WHILE THE POOR SECOND USER FOUND HERSELF AFLAME WITH GODLESS HARLOTRY. And now is forced to shop at Target.

(via Shakespeare's Sister)


Marc Fishman said...

Best part about this post? Not the pants... the name drop on Lisa Frank folders.

You owe me a discussion!

-j. said...

The most disturbing thing of all is the implication that one would need abstinence pants in which to do one's chores. What kind of chores ARE these?

Alexis said...

I still have to admit that I like these better than the VS line that features sweats with "Think Pink" tattooed on the bum.

Anonymous said...

I would really enjoy a pair of abstinence pants in which to write my dissertation. If only they could say "true love waits for a phd". Thanks in advance for making that happen.


regan said...

Ohh! Now I know what to wear as pj's to my boyfriend's sister's bachelorette sleepover! It'll keep things from getting too awkward.

RW said...

What was ever wrong with the old chastity belt I wonder.

Joseph said...

Maybe I'm just demented, but I had a "TechnicalVirgin.com" flashback when I read where exactly the logos were printed.

Dana said...

love it